they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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