if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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