guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
