Im at strip club and am horny
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
