Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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