I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
