When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize