is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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