I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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