I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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