she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
