Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Girls should come with a carfax report
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
