Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
