Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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