If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
