Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Betty ford says i'm here all night
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
