I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
