i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
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we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You pole danced in your parka.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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