We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
