Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
