Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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