Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
