So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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