i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
All I want is dick and wine.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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