his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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