life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
