The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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