i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
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Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
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Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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