im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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