her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
