I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think I died a long time ago.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
