I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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