I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
