suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
