the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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