so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
