Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
