My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
