i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
