I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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