I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
USA USA USA
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Oh god it's open bar.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes