I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?