is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You can't just leave with hair like that
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
