apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
then he tried to convert me to islam
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye