I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
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That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
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I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.