pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
