Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
