someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
