You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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