I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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