my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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