If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
