new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
