$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Small penises have feelings too.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
