My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
