I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
