Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
