If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
