We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
