u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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