Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
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forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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